I say “cleaned”, but really I won’t know the true outcome for some time. At least until the major collateral damage has been repaired, and the shoes manage to return to a more shoe-like form (if they ever do). From the state of the sink—and, let’s be honest, the floor, ceiling, bath, and some of the next room—I would guess that I got a decent amount of dirt off them. Although some of that could just be ex-shoe material. Who knows?

I performed this experiment in grownupitude on an old pair I haven’t worn in some time, with the hope that I’ll either discover the secret or give up and find something more shiny to distract me before I get as far as wrecking any of my good shoes. Wish me luck.